Playing in Ashes

I grew up in the northwoods of Wisconsin until I was about 8 years old. We lived on 40 acres in an unincorporated town, about 15 minutes from the nearest store. Starting life that way afforded me many experiences that I look back on now and recognize as my doorway into becoming the woman that I am today. Many summer days were spent on the Wolf River water’s edge, collecting & releasing tadpoles, getting too close to unassuming black bears, climbing trees, and howling at the moon (my mother would find me in the yard doing this, a feral child without clothes on.) I have found myself reflecting on these memories a lot lately, and smiling to myself remembering that wild little one. One particular day, my brother Zachary and I decided it would be fun to “paint” ourselves completely covered in ashes from our charcoal grill. I remember this vividly, because I was doing my best to imitate a gargoyle. I can only imagine what that UPS driver thought (surely our only visitor, ahem, audience for that day) as they walked up to the porch and were greeted by two strange, silent children, completely covered in ash. I hope it made them smile, it makes me smile thinking of them.

“Fun” is not a word that comes to mind when I think about where we are now as a community. I find the current times hard to write about. I stare at my screen, the caret blinking back at me (we learn something new every day, that’s the proper term for the cursor.) I have always felt an immense pull towards caretaking, whether people, animals, or plants. And it doesn’t take much discovery now to uncover the overwhelming need for care; it feels devastating. Last week, I let myself be absolutely consumed within the depth of emotion that seemed to burst out of my chest and fill every room I entered, like being in the deep end of our local swimming pool. When I feel an incoming wave of introspection energy, I have learned it’s best for me to leap in head first; the more I allow, the more I can see underwater. I like to call this heart-centered alchemy, because you don’t surface the same as when you dove under.

These are the moments in my life when I perceive Spirit the clearest, though I know there is never a moment that we are without Them; an impossible reality through the Truth of our Connection. Still, something about being immersed within deep emotion seems to allow messages to come through with more clarity, (though I suspect it really is just me slowing down enough to recognize help is available when I ask for it.)

“I want you to have fun.” What? No. I don’t think You understand. I am asking You what You would have me do to help now? Spirit doesn’t argue, have you ever tried? They say, “Okay.” Besides, I couldn’t think of a single thing I wanted to do that sounded like fun; which was my lightbulb moment, because that’s a fucking problem. There are a lot of activities that I really like to do, but I honestly could not remember the last time I was genuinely excited and looking forward to fun. I also wrestle with the idea of enjoying life while so much around us seems to be on fire; I have to remind myself that being miserable won’t help generate relief. One of my favorite things to do is ask Spirit, “Why?” I don’t think we do that enough, I don’t believe questioning God is bad; though I know that many people do think that. If it is bad, I am cosmically doomed; because I question everything. When I think about my walk with God, I imagine a submarine sandwich with legs and arms; Spirit is the Bread and We (our global community) are the filling. That may sound silly to you, (and it absolutely is) but as a young lady channeling Spirit, I would get extremely overwhelmed and remind myself that if I am sandwiched in-between, what was the worst thing that could happen? Going Home? No matter what, we are never without Spirit; nothing could ever be more of a comfort to me than this Truth.

“How can you be relief without relief? How can you bring joy, without being in joy?” Okay, but I can’t remember how. Can You please help me?

And that’s how we came into being the proud new owners of two mopeds. Beep, beep, toot, toot mothafuckas. I see you admiring my cobalt blue speed demon, and yes, you absolutely can take it for a zip. All seriousness aside, I’m new boot goofin out here on the streets with Dustin and you can catch me cruising by with my braids in the wind and a Cosmic Stardust Alani in my cupholder, laughing my ass off and having FUN. Have I almost crashed? Only once into the curb upon takeoff (sent her a little too hard boys,) and it made my neighbor smile; which is a rarity that I’ve only glimpsed a handful of times (he is an elusive character.) So needless to say, the moped gang is gaining traction; it won’t be long now until we take over the neighborhood at a blistering 32 miles per hour! Nothing can stop us, except for a strong headwind.

So that’s where you’ll find me these days, doing my best to care deeply, love fully, and leave a little room for fun. Maybe that little ash-covered gargoyle was onto something after all. The world will still be here tomorrow. Today, I’m going for a ride. If you happen to see the moped gang cruising through town, be sure to wave. We’ll wave back.