I knew buying the snacks for our cabin trip yesterday afternoon was a gamble, considering it would leave nearly 24 hours of pure opportunity for early access. Does the weekend start on Friday morning or Friday afternoon? This has been the great debate of the day, as I’ve managed to keep myself away from the toaster and strawberry pop tarts; truly a triumph as my head-voice can be very persuasive. So far, that’s where the victories end for the day; as I’m putting off planting the last of the seedlings (which feels like breaking the law, they’re wilting.)
This is the feeling I told myself I absolutely would not feel two months ago, when I put in my notice at the part-time position that had captivated a large area of my heart landscape for nearly 3 years. My list of reasons still makes sense: I wanted more time to focus on writing and my channeling business, we would have the weekends free to travel to our cabin, and a call-to-action for discovering where I want to be putting my energy externally in new ways that feel enriching. But I forgot what it felt like to be in the transition in-between the exit and the reentry point into what feels like a new chapter; and lately it’s felt lonelier than I’d like to admit, and super confusing too. I remind myself how incredibly lucky I am to be in a position where I *get* to be in limbo. I am married to the most incredible partner on the planet. I’ve been feeling an increasing amount of pressure to figure out how to contribute in meaningful ways, (all brought on by myself, again, shoutout to my incredible husband) while quite honestly feeling pretty damn lost and confused on where to go from here.
Gardening, like so many times in the past, has been the medicine that draws out the gloomies from perspective and allows me to feel optimistic about what I’ve been creating in my life. At the very least, I am planting the seeds now for what’s to come tomorrow; and my yard is starting to look pretty dang magical. Possibly the most exciting addition is The Cuke Canal, which consists of four raised garden beds lining our front walkway, crowned with two cow panels stretching up and over to allow the Mexican Gherkins and Lemon Cucumbers the spotlight they’ve always deserved; honorable mention the Morning Glories I will also be sprinkling in to add a bit of razzle-dazzle.
I started this blog as a way of reminding myself that presence matters, even if it’s never witnessed by anyone other than the one attempting to stay present. The amount of readers (very few and far between, hi mom!) that each article reaches has never been a goal, though I have been so incredibly moved and honored by who I’ve been able to connect with since beginning this digital journey. I’ve been discovering what happens when you allow yourself the permission to speak into the dark places that feel vulnerable, and have given a voice to the energy that exists within me that holds experiences that feel hard to explain. My hope is that through the experience of sharing, that I will discover facets of community and others who hold similar goals to experience resonance and connection in ways that feel impactful, fun, and liberating. Lately, the lesson feels like learning how to show up and be a villager, without necessarily feeling like I belong to one. There’s a peace to that when I remember that preparing a sacred place for future gatherings, is just as beautiful as participating in what was manifested in the heart before it came to be in the physical.
For now, I am going to continue uncovering layers of this strange woman that I love and never thought would make it this far. A new experience for me that I’ll be having this weekend at our cabin, wearing my first ever bikini; turquoise and ready to captivate frog hearts. Another new experience that I had just last night, discovering how to make homemade marshmallows, unsurprisingly delicious, and what a combo to have all in one weekend. We’ll see how it pans out, I did not hold back on the snacks and as I started the article off noting; strawberry pop tarts are also on the docket, (had one around paragraph two, no shame.)
The crispy spring mornings are giving way toasty summer afternoons, though it won’t truly be summer until June 21st, you could fool me during our afternoon runs at the gym. I’ve been making it a point to go to at least four classes per week, sometimes five if I’m feeling particularly spry. Nothing has humbled me faster than a CrossFit workout, but I’ve grown to love the intensity and what accomplishing them has brought out of me. Lifting weights is completely new for me, and setting PRs and learning new exercises has been the highlight of my whole day lately. We’ll see if I feel the same way this upcoming week, as I am trying out the 5:30AM classes for the first time and could end up feeling like the worm that the early bird snapped up. But here’s to feeling motivated, fulfilled, and ready to take on anything as the day begins! Versus only feeling that way after class ends at 5:30PM. Wish me luck, and wings on my feet (I’ll need them.. help a lady out, Mercury!)
Alright, I should probably get after planting those seedlings before they protest their way into a shrivel; no one likes sickly-victorian-child Lemon Cucumbers. Here’s hoping the things I plant today know a little more about where they’re headed than I do. Until next time, take care.
Elizabeth Modene 
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